Does any baby really look this happy getting their bum wiped?
Holy MacGyver! What a life change! This time a month ago I was sipping a chai tea, on Mooloolaba esplanade thinking ‘my life won’t change that much with a child.’
Nek minute, I’m balling my eyes out, pushing a pram around the suburban Mooloolaba streets with a baby that won’t settle, and only 2 hours of consecutive sleep under my belt. So if you saw what looked to be an emotionally unstable person, with knots in her hair and a pair of trackies with baby vomit on them don’t call the authorities, it’s just me trying to work out how to be a parent!
Mothers of the world I salute you, and mothers of the world with multiple children, you are a secret club of superheroes!
As I sit here and write this I want to paint a picture for you. I have my big toe on a bouncer trying to rock little Fred asleep, a breast pump in my right hand trying to get out his lunchtime feed, no easy feat since my nipples are in the same condition as my knees were when I used to go for a sixer at on the bitumen court in grade two basketball. I’m also typing with my left hand while trying to find a comfortable position since I have stitches in a place you don’t need to know about; that’s after giving birth to a 8 pound 7 child.
But when you look over to your little bundle of joy you realise “holy crap, I can’t believe we made that” and you have this feeling of happiness. As I write this, I look over to Fred, and he looks back, he looks into my eyes lets out a little sounds and he smiles! His first ever smile! ….. Actually hang on a second that wasn’t a smile, he’s just done a poo! Mental note to self, newborns don’t really smile, they just have a lot of flatulence and bodily fluids which give automatic face movements designed to lure us into a false sense of security. This just makes us think they’re smiling which makes our hearts melt therefore deterring us from dry reaching when we change their nappy full of wonderful brown surprises.
So I grab a wipe from the wipe packet (note to self, wipe spelled incorrectly is wine, and without proof reading this piece could have landed me in trouble with social services – “as I grab a wine from the wine packet”.) Anyway I grab a nappy and looking at the packaging, I suddenly feel like we’ve been made suckers of commercial marketing! On this wipe packet I see a beautiful, happy baby with massive eyelashes, covered in a sheep’s wool blanket looking like the only thing that would come out of its bottom is frangipanis and lavender. On the nappy packet I see a baby laughing with what appears to be totally clean toilet paper surrounding it and playing with a puppy! A bloody puppy!!..and It’s one of those puppies with the floppy skin. My friend had one of those once and it suffered from severe dandruff! WTF? So, let me point out some serious flaws in these pictures;
a) You don’t want your child hanging out with a puppy with dandruff.
b) I have never seen a baby smile EVER when they get cold wipes put on them, especially the one in the picture that looks like he’s saying “Do you know what my favorite hobby is? I love getting my bum wiped!”
c) Sheep’s wool in expensive! I don’t know what sort of financial over-achiever can afford to risk having their babies bottom, or as we like to call it ‘poo cannon’, near sheep’s wool but it’s certainly not us.
d) And don’t even get me started on the clean toilet paper. Between the dandruff ridden puppy and the smiling, lavender-pooping-child-with-suspected-photo-shopped-eyelashes, there’s not a hope in hell that toilet paper could still be in good condition.
What I would like to put forward to you is this, instead of every baby looking like they’re happy as “Willie bloody Wonka in his chocolate factory” while getting their nappy changed as below…
How about we get some REALISTIC baby product marketing. How about something that looks more like this! (courtesy of Fred)
I do understand that in order for the human race to survive, breeding is a relatively important practice to continue. And I also understand that realistic marketing may put the reproduction of mankind at risk since if every man walked down a baby aisle and saw REAL baby images they would probably go through the mindset of ‘screw that’!
Maybe though if these wipes were in a hidden room at Coles or Woolies that required you to produce a birth certificate of an already created child that then unlocks a secret room of realistic baby marketed products. This way every time we feed/change/wipe our kids we don’t look at the packaging then look over to our bundles of joy and feel like we’re doing something wrong because at the end of the day, no matter what we do a newborn baby just hates getting his nappy changed and there’s nothing we can do about it.