Jess on her post-natal depression: ‘I have tears streaming down my face’
As the new articles circulate about the post-natal depression I suffered after Freddie my 4-year-old son was born, I found a little blog post I wrote when I was in the thick of it, undiagnosed and wondering what was wrong with me.
It was this blog that led a psychologist to privately message me and suggested I should see someone…quickly.
I am eternally grateful for that.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that happiness is the most important thing in the world.
It means you can also give it your children, partner, colleagues and whoever is around you.
It also means you are living and not existing!
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So, if you aren’t feeling it, fight for happiness with every last bit of energy you have.
Fight hard and fight fiercely.
Don’t double guess yourself, don’t let the voices in your head tell you, you are bad, or worthless or that people don’t like you…don’t let those thoughts win!
Bad thoughts are a habit and if you start blocking them out now and refuse to buy into their b–lshit, the sooner you will train your mind that you aren’t playing this game anymore.
Anyway, here’s an excerpt from the blog post I wrote when I was genuinely confused and sad…and undiagnosed.
I have tears streaming down my face, the same clothes on for two days and my hair is in knots. In the movies, this is supposed to be the glamorous part, with nothing but joy and happiness. So why am I barely able to see the keyboard that I’m typing on through the water that is leaking from my face?
I knew that something wasn’t right from the moment I was in the delivery room at Nambour Hospital and the nurse told me to push. I looked at her, tears streaming down my face. For the first time I was terrified of becoming a mother.
The pain was no worries as the epidural had kicked in, however, I knew as soon as I started pushing it would only be minutes before I was a mother. I pleaded with her to give me a few more days to wrap my head around it (I understand how stupid that sounds). She just looked at me and said, “don’t worry that’s normal”, but I was terrified!
As soon as Fred was born, I was confused why I didn’t feel how they look in the movies; ‘glamorous and happy’. I was a wreck, getting half a dozen stitches downstairs and holding this little human being that I knew I would love, but why was I not crying with happiness like Katherine Heigl in the movie Knocked Up?
It hasn’t changed since I’ve come home and the midwife has described it as the baby blues. But why do people say that it’s normal and it will pass? Because as it stands right now, it feels bloody horrible.
The best way I can describe it, is being completely out of control with your emotions. You can go from happy to angry to a sobbing mess within two minutes. It then spirals into intense guilt as you have snapped at the people closest to you, your partner or mum who are only trying to help.
I once left my son in the cot with the intention of driving myself to the airport and flying to the cheapest country I could buy.
Norm stopped me in the living room (I didn’t realise he was home) and asked what I was doing with my suitcase. He stopped me and said I needed help.
I felt I was thinking the most rationally I have ever thought in my life!
So, when Norm told me I needed help I was genuinely confused and viewed it as a personal attack! I hated him for trying to bring me down by implying I had a problem.
It was a bloody long journey.
I was put on anti-depressants and they helped me to choose to live the s–t out of life.
Life is like a marathon, sometimes you’re motivated about it, sometimes you aren’t and sometimes you want to stop and give up.
But boy is it worth it.
I went to the Buddhist temple just before moving into The Block and heard a saying that changed my life.
It says, ‘worrying how people with react to you is a form of control’.
Why do we want to control everyone and what they think about us so much?
So, coming onto The Block that’s the philosophy I’ve tried to live my life by.
You read things about yourself and you read what social media, past and current contestants have said about you…man everyone has an opinion about how you live on the block.
It has the ability to consume you if you give it permission too. And don’t you worry, I’ve had my moments.
But I don’t give permission for this to define my thoughts today…because you have 24 hours a day to live…you choose what to do with it.
Let’s live the c–p out of life…why wouldn’t ya?!
Credit: 9Honey – September 10, 2018